So, I just remembered that I do have a personal blog that I haven’t updated in quite sometime.. This is not because I have been busy or anything. But doesn’t mean I have been enjoying the days as well. The last few days or lets say weeks have taken a major toll both on my health as well as other parts of me.
Most people don’t even care but those who know a bit about me think of me as a person who just does his work, trolls people, goes out, meets his friend and what not. I do these things but not as much as you might be thinking.
I don’t know if I have updated this here on this blog or not but I have moved to Gurgaon to live some years of my bachelor life away from home. I am a very sheltered kid at home. My father works in the Indian Coast Guard and since he worked in defence, he got frequent transfers from one place to another.
I have been moving across India constantly ever since I was about 10 months old. I have changed many schools, been to many places, made a few friends and lost almost all of them until my father decided that we should settle in Noida.
When I came to Noida I was in 7th standard and wasn’t really a bright kid at studies. I used to study because if I didn’t my father would scold me, my mother would stop talking to me and teachers would shame me in front of the whole class.
But I don’t know who’s fault it was. I never grasped the concept of Mathematics but I was decent at other subjects. Science used to be my favorite subject because they started introducing numerical questions. Now since I was not so good at Mathematics, I lost my interest in Science as well.
Slowly, Social Studies got divided into three separate subjects and I hated all of them. History seemed boring, Civics seemed useless and I never understood the concept of keeping Geography in Social Studies.. why?
Anyway, 10th standard was the last time I ever scored well in school and its been a total downhill journey since then.
I had lost interest in Science but wanted to study Computers and get into the field of Computer Engineering. So, I took up Science stream in 11th standard and we had Physics, Chemistry, Mathematics, Informatics Practices in which they taught us Visual Basic as well as Oracle. English and some other subject I can’t remember right now was also included.
I used to love going to school. I had not one, not two but many things to look forward to there. Meeting friends everyday and some more things I should not reveal here.. Going to school was the best part of my day. I would hardly skip school and on rare occasions when I did, it was due to some illness or other things.
Coming to the point, I screwed up my 12th boards way too bad. I spent hours everyday going to colleges trying to get admission but the damage was done. I had scored less marks and the colleges wanted money in exchange of marks.
I saw many people who scored less than me join college because they had rich dads or some “connections”. It hurt.. It hurt real bad.
Oh and I must tell you that there was a colleague of my father who was more worried about my future than my own father was. He used to ask my father everyday about my admission status and my father had nothing to say at all.
This was the time when many things fell apart at once. Many bad things happened and everything led me into depression that I was not able to come out of until some time back. My father used to scold me everyday and I used to have no answers. I just stood there quietly while he vented his frustration out. I used to curse that son of a bitch in his office.
But then it was my own fault. I was the one who screwed up. It was time to bounce back and get good marks. Thankfully CBSE had a provision that allowed students to fill up Improvement forms and reappear for selected exams next year.
So, for getting a seat in Computer Science at a decent college, I had to score well in Physics, Chemistry and Mathematics. I filled the forms for these subjects and started preparing for competitive exams.
Or so I did.
I became lazy again. Depression got the best of me and I had no interest in studies at all. I started bunking my coaching classes and used to wander aimlessly as being alone was the only time I felt free. This was the time I was not answerable to anyone in anyway.
I started blogging again in this period and times flied like it does and there it was. The dates for exams were out and what had I prepared? 2 chapters out of 15-16 each in all three deadly subjects?
I didn’t really want to mess it up again so I started studying but even after a lot of hardwork, I was not able to prepare more than 6-7 chapters in each subjects. I was screwed and I was screwed big time.
My father had high hopes from me and so did my mother. I didn’t want to disappoint them all. But what good can mere 6-7 chapters do?
I went ahead and appeared for the exams. I got more marks as compared to last year. But the difference was not significant.
My father got furious but my mother just asked him to stay calm and my parents asked me if I really wanted to study Computer Science. Obviously I was and that is what I told them.
In those days my father was attending some workshop in CDAC, Noida where they taught them Visual Basic. I was good at it since school so I used to help him understand some topics and codes. Even that day when he came back from the workshop he asked me a few things which I answered correctly.
This is when they did an intervention sort of thing and I poured my heart out as how I was not able to study PCM as I didn’t understand it at all.
My parents were convinced that their son would do good even if he went to some mediocre college. So I started college hunt the very next day. But the scenario had changed drastically since last year. I realised that no matter how much marks you score, it will be considered less as these colleges just want to grab some donation from new students.
I didn’t really want to pay any college a single dime. I felt disgusted.. cheated. I had wasted my one year to get “qualifying marks” and I still didn’t qualify.
I still remember when I went to IEC College of Engineering & Technology, Greater Noida and they said I was “eligible” for admission. My happiness knew no bounds as IEC was one of the many decent colleges in Gr. Noida. I went home and told my parents. My mother was happy, my father was convinced and I thought the ordeal was coming to an end.
Next day when I went there to complete the “admission process”, they asked me to sit in the waiting room and they took my father to a different room. My father described that there were two bouncers who frisked my father and asked him to leave his mobile etc. outside before entering the room.
When my father entered the room, he saw that there was no one other than a table, a chair, a landline telephone and a CCTV camera.
The phone rang and my father talked to the guy on phone and they blatantly demanded money for admission. Their price was Rs. 1.25 lakhs for IT and 1.5 lakhs for CSE. My father just told them he would think on it and let them know. He came back to the waiting room and I thought it was now time to submit the documents. He just told me everything that had happened and asked if I wanted to get admission here.
I instantly felt disgusted and wanted to punch the guy who told me I was eligible in his face. I was full of rage but who was I to show any kind of rage? A student who had failed to do one thing he is supposed to do well and it was getting good grades.
I felt sad my parents had to go through all this. I was sad.
We came back home and I couldn’t sit for one moment. I left for Gr. Noida again and visited several colleges with my father as he wanted to come along. We also visited the IIMT, Gr. Noida and they had similar demands even though I had cleared their “admission test“.
Then I went to KCCITM which is my alma mater and they didn’t demand any money. It was a new college and they were even providing scholarships. I was sold.
They offered us to visit the labs, classrooms and I even met the faculty members. The college seemed great. I knew why they didn’t ask any money apart from fees. It was because it was a new college and they needed students.
I completed the admission process in coming weeks and I was admitted to KCCITM.
I was relaxed. Even though people I knew were in better colleges, I didn’t give a single fuck. I was a college student now and I got my own stream. I was the happiest I had been in months.. actually years.
Though the happiness was short lives. As soon as the college started, I realised I had become part of a bigger rat race. It was not the college life I had imagined. I had imagined cool seniors, I had imagined a great syllabus.. I had imagined extra curricular activities and all I got was a coaching center like environment.
Come to college in the morning, cram all day and go back home to do some assignments. This went on for the first semester but I gave up as soon as I hit second semester. I started scoring low again. I had no will power to study, I had no interest to study so I just gave up.
This fucked me over really when when it comes to education. I am not worthy of being an Engineer and college was when I decided I am gonna do my own fucking thing.
Fuck everyone. Fuck my college. Fuck my boring faculty.. I didn’t give a flying fuck. I felt numb.. empty and lost.
Now, this is where I am today. I am in Gurgaon, wide awake at 3:54 AM writing this blog post and pouring my heart out.
But I am what makes me happy. I might not be having a stable income or a future but fuck all that. I don’t give a shit.
I am happy and I am paying my own damn bills.
I am happy.
I am free.
I have never felt so alive, happy and free in years. 🙂